Stop Hounding Me!

Sunshine

To quote one of the donor profiles we were considering, “the minutia of daily life” has been pretty stressful of late. Work is insane for both of us. The house is a mess, and the laundry is never ending.  It feels like there’s no time for anything, but the reality is that when we do have down time, we just plant ourselves on the couch in front of the television.

In general, we’ve both been feeling a bit down.  Throughout our relationship, we have always relied on each other to help pull the other out of a funk. When I’m feeling out of control, Catch finds a way to get me into the garden or out with my camera where she knows I’m happy.  When Catch is feeling down, I give myself a wake up call and just try harder to be a good wife—whether that means unexpectedly doing the dishes or setting the dining room table, cooking a real dinner and opening a bottle of wine. 

Point being that it’s unusual for us BOTH to be in this grey area at the same time and we are both grasping at straws to try to bring ourselves out of the gloom and into the beautiful spring sunshine. 

I know it’s temporary. Soon, she’ll have a month off from teaching, and I will have hired another person for my team at the office and some of the pressure will be relieved.  In the meantime, we’re instituting, Get Out and Do Something Alone Together That Does Not Involve Sitting in a Restaurant Tuesdays.

So far, our list of possibilities includes:

• mini golf
• wiffle ball at the park
• bowling (Catch started looking at lesbian bowling leagues, but I’m about as likely to join a bowling league as I am to join her softball team)
• batting cages
• a movie (we NEVER go to the movies and have amassed a collection of gift cards)
• pool, although I am so terrible at it that I have been known to send balls flying across the room
• an excursion to the used book store by our house that I have always wanted to go to, but never have
• one of the shows at the Samuel Oschin Planetarium at the Griffith Park Observatory (tickets are only $7—not too bad)

I like our list so far. It may seem a bit boring and predictable, but honestly? We’re pretty boring and predictable. I’m just looking forward to spending some time with my wife. I can already see some sunshine peeking through.

Oh, Amazon

I love books.  All kinds of books.  Audiobooks, paperbacks, fiction, non-fiction, teen fiction, little golden books--I just love books.

That's why it surprises me that I never sat down to research any lesbian pregnancy books until this morning.  Oh, sure I've done my online research, courtesy of Dr. Google.  I've listened to Fertility Friend's Charting for Conception podcasts. I've tracked down the myriad lesbian mommy bloggers who have been there/done that. Ask me a technical question, and I can probably give a technical answer that includes all of the acronyms. (Acronyms which, incidentally, make me cringe. Almost as much as it makes me cringe when my boss emails to say, "txs."  Texas?  To excess?  Was it really so hard to type "thanks?" Are three extra keystrokes going to interrupt your golf game?)

But I haven't read any actual books on the subject of pregnancy--lesbian or otherwise.  Not a single one.

I ended up on Amazon.  I browsed for a while--looking up books I've heard of, reading reviews, and following Amazon's suggestions from one place to another.  I added the Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians to my cart, and went in search of the remaining $12 purchase I needed to make to save myself $5 on shipping--because that makes perfect sense.

As usual, Amazon had a few suggestions for me:

What they don't realize is that purchasing karaoke show tunes is a surefire way for me to end up with a miserable, lonely lesbian pregnancy.  

Nothing is Certain…

…Except death and taxes and me needing a strong cup of coffee to get my ass going in the morning.

There are few things I fear more as we approach babymaking than being forced to cut out my caffeine consumption.

Liquor?  No biggie. 

Wine? More of a biggie, but I will live.

Decaf? I die. 

Seriously.

Let me be clear: I don’t drink a TON of caffeine.  It’s not like I’m swigging a pot of coffee before I get myself out of bed in the morning.  I usually have half a cup from our French press at home, followed by a cup at the office.  Generally, I don’t finish the cup at the office, which is why there are two half empty mugs of coffee sitting there right now. 

I also don’t tend to drink soda.  I like to order a diet coke when I go out for lunch, but other than that—nada.  I went to offer my mom a diet coke when she came over a few months ago, and it was expired.  Whoops.

Still though, the effect of that ten or sixteen ounces of coffee in the morning will get me through the day.  Caffeine aside, I just LOVE coffee. 

In my head, I have already started a list:

Things I will hold over our future child’s head for the rest of my life: 

1)      I had to stop drinking coffee for you.  COFFEE.  For payback, I will steal your college registration materials and make sure you’re signed up exclusively for 8 am classes all the way across campus.

2)      Your mother insisted that I do Yoga while trying to get pregnant with you.  YOGA.  Do you have any idea how anti-yoga I am?  But I was so pro-baby that I never batted an eye.  Payback?  You want to take ballet lessons?  You don’t want to play soccer?  Ballet class is full and you’re playing soccer BECAUSEISAIDSO.

3)      I have to be sober at my company’s holiday party in December (I hope). I haven’t been sober at a company holiday party in 13 years.  That’s older than you!  Payback? You are going to put on your Easter best in all its itchy, uncomfortable glory and sit through Easter mass with your grandparents while your mother and I sip mimosas on the patio and eat the candy out of the plastic eggs hidden all over the yard.

4)      I have to spread my legs a gazillion times over the coming months for a bunch of complete strangers who never even bought me a drink first.  Payback?  We’re using your most awkward naked baby picture as your high school graduation announcements.

5)      No sushi for me?  I used to have a friend whose mother had her convinced for the first several years of her childhood that cupcakes are bran muffins with cream cheese on top. Guess what we’re serving at your first big “invite the whole class” birthday party?!

And baby, we’re just getting started.

19 Days

There was a box from Amazon.com sitting on our doorstep yesterday when I got home.

I tore into it immediately, knowing what was inside...

The test strips.

Little bundles of blue ovulation prediction strips, and a small bundle of home pregnancy tests.

Home. Pregnancy. Tests.

I could barely even look at them because although they are in tiny little pink packages, they are huge.  HUGE.  Heart racing, stomach turning, fluttery all over GIGANTIC.

As I pawed through the packages in a bit of a fog, Catch eagerly grabbed one of the OPKs and ran to the bathroom with it.  I had to laugh.  The strip did detect some LH, but not enough for a positive result.  She cracks me up.

I’m going to start testing on Thursday morning.  I’m trying to figure out how I am going to discreetly manage these tests while I’m at work, but I will find a way.  I can’t be the only person in this office who’s ever peed on a stick in the ladies room.

All that aside, today is Catch’s birthday.  For 19 days, I get to enjoy that she has reached 32 while I’m still a mere 31.  Delusions of Catch as a cradle robber float through my brain in great big flashes of denial. 

We met when we were 24, and in these past (almost) 8 years, we have conquered so many mountains. We have held each other as our families have faced everything from cancer to suicide—from deaths to recovery. We have faced homophobia and been rejected by people we care about, and through it all our voice and resolve to stand up for ourselves has grown stronger. We are surrounded by friends and family who love us just the way we are and who will stand up for us.  Jobs have turned into careers. Houses have turned into homes. Girlfriends have become wives. Families have been tied together.

As 32 looms so close I can almost touch it, so does motherhood.  I cannot imagine a better partner for this journey... 

...Even if she is an older woman.

Happy birthday, baby.

Silver Linings Playbook

I never saw the movie when it was in theaters, so once I saw that Silver Linings Playbook was out on video, I decided I'd better read the book before it started calling to us on pay per view.  I'm one of those people who likes to read books before I see the movies.  

I still have about an hour left of the audiobook, but let me just say that I love this book.  I love the writing.  I love how head-on the author addresses depression.  I love how the characters are so real.  No polished edges, just polished writing.

I really had no idea what I was headed into when I downloaded this book, and it's all unfolded like a wonderful surprise.  I can't wait to go sit in Friday rush hour, because it might just give me time to finish it!

And We're Off

I finally went to the gyno this morning for my first pelvic exam in WAAAAAAAAY too long.  I was absolutely terrified.  

Catch came with me so we could address the baby "stuff" and everything went wonderfully.  She signed our medical clearance form that the clinic who will be performing the IUIs requires, and sent us on our way with a smile and the hope that the next time she sees me, I'm pregnant.  She made me/us feel so comfortable about everything.  

She told me that I should start testing with ovulation prediction kits (OPKs) 10 days after my next period, which should be any day now.  I went on Amazon just now and ordered the OPKs and some pregnancy tests for good measure. 

Soon, I will have PREGNANCY TESTS in my posession. Surreal.

After my purchase, Amazon's social sharing element popped up with this:

They'll have to excuse me if I don't post this particular purchase on Facebook.

PS - I feel like we're beyond the "Baby? Maybe?" category, so I added a plain old TTC category.  Holy hell.  Off we go!

More Gratitude

When all of the happy things in life collide--seemingly at once--it can be stressful.

May is filled with happy things.  Birthdays, a law school graduation, foster hounds, me on the verge of a promotion, Mother's Day, medical clearance (we hope) to start trying to conceive... the list goes on.

Today, I am so grateful for the simple things.  A mom who wants to spend Mother's Day at the dog beach.  A wife, who when asked what she wants for her birthday, tells me that she doesn't want or need anything. An upcoming weekend.  A good book to listen to in the car.  A gift of gift cards from a friend who's a marketing director for a restaurant chain on the same day that the basset hound rescue we work with puts out a call for donated gift cards to raffle off.  

Last weekend, we dogsat for another foster who had to go out of town. I totally fell in love with sweet Sammy.  He is such a love.  It was astronomically difficult to give him back. It turns out that we get to hound sit again this weekend for sweet Sammy.  I am so happy that we get to spend some more time showering this big guy with love.

Much to be thankful for today. 

Photo Friday - At the Dog Beach

Happy hounds

Wet dog

She was a sea otter in a past life

Hound in motion

Arooooooooooo

Roller Coasters

I frequently have dreams about being pregnant.  Not every week, or even every month, but it’s a noteworthy recurrence.

Usually, my dreams on the subject are shrouded in fear.  Something isn’t progressing properly. The baby isn’t big enough.  I am 6 months along and have no baby belly.  They’re strange, disjointed dreams.

What’s odd is that I wake up with no sense of the fear. I come to in that semi-conscious fuzziness wishing I could just go back to sleep and be pregnant again.

I had a pregnancy dream the other night and all the usual feelings that go along with it. Only this time, it feels a bit more real. 

I have an appointment with an Ob/Gyn on May 9^th.  Hopefully, she will give me the all clear and fill out the paperwork that the clinic requires to take us on.  From there, the roller coaster ride will begin—and it may not end.  Ever.

Trying to conceive will be its own roller coaster full of sperm banks, wishful thinking, and anxiety--of this, I am certain.  That loveliness is followed by (we hope) pregnancy.  Followed by (we hope) baby. Toddler. Child. Preteen. Teenager. 

It goes on and on and it scares the living daylights out of me and Catch.  

Even so—I can’t wait to hop on and buckle in. I just need to remember that on the occasions when I am suddenly paralyzed by fear.

I've been dreaming of this. I've been dreaming of this for so long. It's time to leave the safety of my dreams.

Meeting Catch, Part 3

On our second date, we went to see Wedding Crashers at a movie theater near her house. 

ALL I could think about during that movie was how badly I wanted her to touch me. To put her hand on mine.  To sit closer.  To “accidentally” brush my bare knee with the back of her hand.  ANYTHING.

Didn’t happen.

After the movie, we strolled around the outdoor mall that the theater was in.  We got coffee from Starbucks and sat outside on a bench for a while. It was dark, and it was reasonably empty since it was so late.

I wanted her to kiss me so badly.  I tried to create little opportunities, but she never took them. 

We drove back to her house and she invited me in.  It was LATE, but I agreed—hoping maybe NOW she’d get it.

She didn’t.

I left and headed home. 

I was still happy—but also confused.  It sure SEEMED like she was interested in me.  It SEEMED like we were having a great time together.  Did she just want to be friends?  Was she not attracted to me?

I was stumped.

Yes, I know I could have kissed HER, but I wanted her to make the first move.  I am very much the romantic who wants to be swept off her feet.  At the time, I didn’t have it in me to do the sweeping.  I’d been through enough, and had plenty of baggage. It was my turn to be courted, damnit.

She asked me on a third date.  We went out for dinner and then to a local lesbian bar.  We had rum & cokes in front of us and had been making quiet conversation.  She was staring at my legs.  Finally, she put her hand on my thigh and I just about fell off my barstool.

Next thing I knew, she had leaned close and whispered, “Is it okay if I kiss you now?”

I nodded.

She kissed me.

I melted into that barstool.

The rest is history.

We moved in together 9 months later in April and planted our first meager vegetable garden in our backyard.

We got Twix in May.

She proposed to me in December of 2006 at a Starbucks.

We were married legally in July of 2008—just the two of us in a Van Nuys strip mall.

We had the “big to-do” wedding in October of 2009.

With any luck, we’ll add mommyhood to our history in 2014. Fingers way, way, crossed.