A big loss and a little lost

I love it when Monday mornings are good to me. 

-24 lbs as of today.  I’m only 4 lbs shy of my 28 lb baby-making goal, and depending on how we proceed, I likely still have several weeks left to get there. 

I remember sitting in that appointment with our RE last month.  She looked at my weight on paper, clucked, and said, “Here’s where I’d like you to be.”  She said it skeptically—like she had no faith that I would take her seriously and make it happen.  To that, I say IN YOUR FACE, doctor lady.

I’ve been expecting my period to start any minute since last Saturday, but it still hasn’t. Today is CD 41.  Kind of a bummer because it really throws our plans off.  We had planned to start again with my March cycle, but were anticipating that it would be around the 20^th of March based on my last 3 or 4 cycles.  At this point, chances are good that I won’t start this period until March, which means we’re likely looking at bumping things back to April. 

I’m torn because on the one hand, I feel like we said that we’re going to start in March, and if this cycle starts in March, then this is the cycle we start with.  I have a thing about the number 3, and since this will be my 3^rd period of the year in the 3^rd month of the year, there’s part of me that says YES, let’s do it. 

The flip side is that I likely won’t have reached the 28 lb mark by then (unless I start jogging now and don’t stop until next week), and I’m a bit superstitious about that, too.  Also, I am really enjoying my diet/exercise routine, and there’s no way I’m going to be jogging 16 miles a week during the 2ww (side note—I ran 16 miles last week!!!).  I really want to give myself a chance to hit that goal number—it feels like a big deal, and I am SO CLOSE. 

I had lunch with a good friend last week and she remarked that it’s been over a year since we hopped on this TTC train and she doesn’t know how we’re staying sane.  Honestly, I’ve been channeling every ounce of frustration into the treadmill.  Every step I take.  Every increase in speed.  Every extra mile.  I crank up music on my iPod that reminds me of the goals we’re working toward. When I get tired, I make eye contact with that ridiculous stuffed sperm that’s perched in front of me and tell him GAME ON.  Sometimes I even grab him by the tail and jog with him for a few minutes.

I feel more ready than ever to start trying again, but I don’t feel as ready as I want to feel.  Part of me wonders, though—will I EVER feel as ready as I want to feel?  BFNs are certainly never going to be easier to look at, and 40+ day cycles are not going to stop stressing me out until we’re done trying.  Whether I lose 2 more pounds or 4 more pounds or 10 more pounds, it’s not likely to make THAT big of a difference considering I’ve already lost 10% of my body weight and then some. 

I’m not sure what the right answer is.  All I can do is let this (neverending) cycle be my guide and hope that when the time comes to make a decision, we’ll know what to do.

Comments

[Heidi]

Wow, that's really quite an accomplishment. Congrats! And yes you will make the right decision. The waiting was the hardest part for me for sure. I hope AF arrives soon so that you can be one step closer.