Stop Hounding Me!

11 Things

I’m forcing myself to take an actual lunch BREAK today.  My door is closed, my lights are out, my phone is on Do Not Disturb, and Pandora is set to Norah Jones.  The result of this forced mid-day peace is my participation in this 11 things thing that’s making its way around the blogosphere.

1. I lived less than a mile from the epicenter of the ’94 Northridge Earthquake, and yet we do not have an earthquake preparedness kit assembled at home.  (This is the apartment building that my bedroom window overlooked.) We skirt the issue by telling each other that hopefully we’ll be able to get to the camping gear that’s stored in the very front of the garage.
2. My mom was a single mother who worked her ass off to put me through 12 years of private school.  I wish I had appreciated it then, but she knows I appreciate it now. 
3. In high school, I once played the part of a singing, dancing, pregnant chicken in a school play. I was always the quiet shy girl who was teased mercilessly, but I LOVED being on stage.  It was a totally liberating experience.  After that play, I was more inclined to speak up for myself.
4. Being gay came as a complete shock to me.  I had never even considered it.  Likewise, it was a total shock to pretty much everyone who knew me.  This past Valentine’s Day was the 16^th anniversary of the day I came out to my mother. 
5. I don’t dance.  I just don’t.  We took lessons before our wedding, and I was high enough on wedding excitement that I did dance that night, but heck if you can get me to dance any other day.
6. I have a tattoo of the Gemini symbol between my shoulders.  I got it with my (now ex) best friend the day I got the last of my belongings from my ex-girlfriend after we broke up.  It suits me just as much today as the day I got it.  I love it.  No regrets.
   
   
7. As desperately as I want a baby, I am also aware that I adore this time right now with my wife.  The relationship we have is more than I ever even knew to hope for.
8. If I could live anywhere (and take my parents and in-laws with me), I’d want to live in the Pacific Northwest or in Colorado.
9. Catch and I have taken some amazing trips together—the Alaska cruise was amazing, as was our honeymoon cruise to Mexico—but my absolute favorite trip with her was a camping trip to the Sequoias.  I could have stayed there with her forever.
10. The first time I met Catch’s parents, her father was wearing a confederate flag t-shirt.  I’m glad I didn’t let him scare me off.
11. I have never colored my hair.  Ever.  You don’t mess with red like this.
    
    

1-800-Flowers is the Devil

My wonderful wife broke our Valentine's Day agreement and sent me flowers to work today.  Here's a side by side of what they were supposed to look like, versus what my poor crushed calla lilies actually lok like.  The roses don't look much better.

But that's not the worst part!

The worst part is that they gave me someone else's card.  Karina Byrd, if you're out there, your boyfriend (husband? girlfriend? wife?) wrote you an incredibly sweet note.  Too bad you didn't get it. 

It's a good thing I trust my wife, because at a glance, getting flowers with another woman's name on them really looks bad.

My poor wife--I feel like she got totally ripped off.  $80 for crappy, crushed, half-dead flowers to be sent with a card for someone else.  Never again, 1-800-Flowers.

Let it Go

Here’s where I confess that I listed to that song from the Frozen soundtrack about a half dozen times on my way to work this morning. (What can I say? Idina Menzel? I have a weakness for women of Broadway with lungs like hers.)

There is so much about this week that I need to let go of. 

1. Work crap.  I hate having to put on my mean boss hat, but I wore it on Tuesday and it sucked.  The suckage has stayed with me all week.  I think this is what it must feel like to parent a teenager.  You see so much potential in them and they are so smart and capable, but you give them an inch and they take a mile and the next thing you know their internet history for a 3-day period is 63 pages long and filled with cat memes and hipster t-shirts and they have not spoken to you directly in 4 days.
2. Baby baby baby SHUT UP ABOUT BABIES ALREADY, PLEASE. While attending a baby shower for a coworker complete with the word epidural used as a word scramble, another colleague announced that she’s pregnant.  There are a handful of pregnant friends in my facebook feed, and the pictures of my cousin’s 1-month old have started free flowing.  Most days, I can deal.  Most days, all I need is a friend to touch my shoulder knowingly and tell me that we’ll be next.  But sometimes—like this week—it’s just not enough.  
3. The scale. I’ll admit that I’ve become a bit obsessed with it.  On top of Weight Watchers, I’ve been working out harder than I ever have before in my life for the past few weeks.  Monday’s loss of only .6 lbs felt like a slap in the face.  Ever since that, I’ve been finding opportunities to step on the scale at least once a day if not twice.  It’s gotta stop.  I have to get it in my head that as long as I’m staying on program, working out, and feeling good, the scale will catch up eventually. It’s just hard not to focus on the deadline. March is looming and I so desperately want to show our RE that I mean business. I know that PCOS can make it hard to lose weight—I’ve heard it loud and clear from two doctors and from the internet. I just so wanted to fall into the “exceptions” category. I should know by now that I am rarely the exception and mostly the rule.

I know for certain that holding on to all of this serves no purpose. It’s time to take a deep breath, a long sip of coffee, and let it all go.

The Princess and the Pea (Alternate title: We just spent a boatload of cash on a new mattress and I. HATE. IT.)

We woke up on Sunday morning, had some bacon and coffee and giddily skipped out the front door together in search of a new bed.  Not just any new bed, though—a KING bed.  Something we have only dared to dream about since Twix was a puppy and I discovered that having her in bed with me is soothing and helps me relax.  The thing is that adorable little 8 week old puppies grow into full-sized 50-lb dogs with legs that like to stretch out into my rib cage at night. I would find myself clinging to the edge of the bed thinking that falling out of bed sounded a heck of a lot better than being kicked in the gut AGAIN. 

As such, you can imagine how adding 18 inches of width to our mattress sounded HEAVENLY.  We’ve been talking about it for as long as I can remember.  Someday, we will move into a bigger place with a master bedroom larger than a postage stamp and we will be able to have a king bed.

We haven’t moved, though, and our bedroom is still the size of a postage stamp.  We just finally reached a point where we were so miserable on our 10 year old queen mattress that we broke out the measuring tape and realized it might just work. Maybe. If the delivery people hold their breath and close their eyes and wish really hard, they MIGHT just be able to squeeze a king bed in there.

So, we headed out and dropped quite a bit of cash on the new bed and new bedding.  We rushed home to get the bedroom ready for our new bed, which involved moving our old mattress out so that I could take apart all ten thousand pieces of our Ikea bed because it won’t turn the corner in the hallway otherwise.  By the time we were done, I was EXHAUSTED.  Falling asleep on the couch.  Could barely keep my eyes open.

Imagine my shock/despair/anxiety/disappointment/heart crushing sadness when I did not sleep a single wink on our new bed.  Maybe an hour, but that’s it.  I couldn’t get comfortable.  In fact, as the night went on, I grew increasingly less comfortable.  It was like sinking deeper into a pit every hour.  My shoulder fell asleep.  My neck was at a weird angle.  I couldn’t get comfy on my stomach even though I have been a stomach sleeper my whole life. I tried sleeping on my side, but it felt like my hip bone had sunken through a layer of fluff and landed on concrete.

Last night, in sheer exhausted desperation, I popped two Advil PM at 8:30, poured myself a cup of Sleepytime tea, and soaked in a hot lavender scented bubble bath.  I should have been dead to the world after that combination, but I tossed and turned wide awake for 3 hours, and never slept longer than a 30 minute stretch all night.  Today, my shoulders and neck are killing me.

I hate our new mattress.  I hate memory foam.  I hate that the store we bought it form has a no return policy and that I didn’t realize it until it was too late. 

I have no idea what to do now.  All I know is that I sure as hell can’t live like this.

Daily Confessions

I did not brush my hair this morning. 

I rolled out of bed (late), ran my fingers through the tangles, and threw it up in a bun with a ton of hairspray that is clearly not working to contain the frizz and flyaways because it looks like I’ve sprouted wings from behind my ears. I am just the picture of professionalism.  Not.  (Related confession: When I was 11-ish, I had a GIANT pink t-shirt that said in huge block letters, "Whatever you say. NOT." There is a picture of me standing in hail with braces and a bad haircut wearing that awful shirt with white bicycle shorts. I was SO. NOT.  COOL.)

I had a croissant for breakfast.

I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway and now I feel even more disgusting than I already did as a result of item 1.

My jeans are not as loose as they were 2 weeks ago when I was running around the house saying, “look how loose my jeans are!”

They are also not as tight as they were 6 weeks ago, but let’s not rationalize.

I am terrified of the seminar at the fertility clinic next week.

I have awful social anxiety, and I can already feel myself clinging to Catch’s arm like a frightened toddler while I imagine all of the perfect straight blonde couples judging the overweight lesbians and thinking that we shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce anyway.  Yes, I know this is INSANE, but it’s how my brain works.  It’s like I have a perfectly logical little angel on one shoulder reminding me that it’s okay and that I don’t care what anyone else thinks and a much bigger devil on my other shoulder overwhelming me with my biggest insecurities.  My brain is caught in the middle.  It’s fun to be me.

One of my credit card companies just increased my line of credit by 40% and I have a sudden desire to BUY ALL THE THINGS.

What’s crazy is that it’s easier to contain that desire than it was to contain the whole croissant issue above.  I’m going to run out at lunch and buy dog treats, which should satisfy my need for retail therapy. Plus, we actually need them, so it’s perfectly reasonable. And I won’t use my credit card.

I haven’t slept well in weeks.

Because I am a mess right now.  An absolute mess—inside and out.  But it’s okay.  I have Catch—and she’s a mess too.  At least I know we can be messy together.  And she’s better at cleaning up than I am, so it’s an extra win for me.

Wrapping It Up

Rolo isn't feeling very festive tonight.

 

I don’t want to pigeonhole 2013.  It’s had its moments—good and bad—and it’s not fair to hold all of the bad things against it.

I’ve been through the negatives here already, and I’d like to close the door on that right now and focus on some of the really great things that happened in 2013.

1. Catch and I worked through our fears and are both thrilled at the prospect of adding a baby to our dynamic.  It’s nice to be on the same page.
2. We helped our local basset rescue by fostering and re-homing Buttercup, Sammy, and Gidget.
3. We took trips! Our longest took us to Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming and South Dakota. We also enjoyed a few camping trips to El Capitan and Frazier Park.  There were weekend getaways, too—wine country near Santa Maria/Pismo Beach and the more recent trip to Cambria.  It was all amazing and I have so many great memories of our explorations this year.  I even took my first ever trip to Texas this year (without Catch.)
4. We celebrated our 5-year wedding anniversary (on our 8-year dating anniversary). Even at our absolute worst marital moments (not that there are many), I can’t imagine my life without my wonderful wife.  I love her more with every passing year. 
5. I read/listened to some fantastic books! Some of my favorites were Silver Linings Playbook (way better than the movie), The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I’d read it before, but this time I listened to the audiobook and it was even better), Carry On, Warrior, and The Fault in Our Stars.  Other reads that weren’t necessarily favorites, but were still quite worthwhile:  Truth in Advertising, Where’d You Go, Bernadette, Bloom, and Gone Girl.
6. I got to add another person to my team at work and was promoted. 
7. I learned a ton about TTC and I feel confident going into 2014 that we will figure this out.
8. I cooked and baked a ton.  Some of my favorite new recipes this year were Turkey & Spinach Meatballs (great with spaghetti squash & marinara sauce), Pioneer Woman’s chocolate sheet cake (, Smitten Kitchen’s Essential Raised Waffles, and the Lemon Almond Streamliner Cake from the book Vintage Cakes
9. We grew a fantastic vegetable garden full of tomatoes, carrots, cucumber and herbs. 
10. I got more comfortable with my camera and took some great photos.

Still, I'm glad to show 2013 the door--if only for the promise that 2014 brings.  I hope 2014 is good to all of us. 

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Threes

I left work early yesterday because I was starting to feel sore from the accident and I was totally exhausted from the rush of adrenaline.  I crashed HARD.

As I walked to the parking structure, an unwelcome thought popped into my head.  Bad things happen in threes.  The accident was one.  What would the remaining two be?  Would one of them be a failed IUI?

As I drove home, Catch texted me to tell me that one of her sister's horses had been found dead in their meadow.  It was sudden and unexpected.  At the time, we weren't sure which horse it had been, but the evening revealed that it was my favorite horse, Cher. 

Don't get me wrong--her other two horses are nice enough, but they're shy.  Not the biggest fans of people.  Cher was a people horse.  She wanted to be a part of the action.  If you let her, she'd walk right into the house. 

Cher could smell an apple or a carrot from half a mile away.Her personality was bigger than she was. 

Cher, you will be missed. 

After the news of Cher, I logged on to facebook to learn that the basset rescue group we work with lost little Spotty yesterday.  He'd been ill for a few weeks but was totally rebounding.  It was very unexpected.  So sad.  Poor little Spotty.  I'm just thankful that he had a great foster home in his last days. 

So there's our three bad things.  We're done, now.  No need for any more bad.  We're pushing it all aside in favor of thinking positive, cell multiplying thoughts. 

We will now resume our regularly scheduled State of Fertility Address.

TWW - Day 3 (Crunch)

Driving to work this morning, traffic came to a sudden stop.  I stopped, too.  Unfortunately, the guy behind me did not and he hit me so hard that he shoved me into the car in front of me.  A Molly sandwich, so to speak.

Let's forget about the damage to my car, my sore back (I already have a bad back from a car accident 10 years ago, and this didn't help) and the moment of panic as I watched him fail to stop in my rear view mirror.  All I can think about is that hopeful little bundle of cells.

Logically, I know that it's HIGHLY unlikely that any harm could come to that potential bundle of cells from the accident, but I am so tense and stressed and sore that it's hard not to worry.

I'm trying to relax.  As I sat on the side of the freeway waiting for Highway Partol to come take a report, I forced myself to take deep breaths and try to ease up on the tennsion. 

I know I said that I want to stay busy and distracted, but this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. 

Distraction

I am making an effort not to talk so much about TTC these days.  It’s part of a bigger effort not to THINK about TTC, and so far, I think it’s working.  Sort of.

For example, I can tell you that I was so exhausted last week (possible virus? No good reason otherwise) that I actually had a whole dream devoted to drinking Diet Coke.  Everywhere I went in my dream, I had a huge fountain cup of diet coke to down.  I kept feeling really guilty for drinking all that Diet Coke and not enough water, but I sipped that caramel-colored, aspartame-laced carbonation anyway.

All I can say is this… you know you’re tired when you’re dreaming about caffeine.

I can also tell you that Catch is away with her students at a retreat in the mountains this week, so I’ve decided to spend a few days with my parents and turn my 45-minute commute into a 10-minute one.  That means that I actually have time after work to stop and do things like a) buy a new pair of pajama bottoms from Old Navy because I forgot to pack mine and I don’t think my parents will appreciate me walking around in my underwear, and b) pick up a new Moleskine because… 

While plying me with (two) mai tais on Friday night until I was beyond tipsy but not quite fall-down-drunk, Catch convinced me that I should participate in NaNoWriMo this year.

I presented her with the following logical reasons why she is bat shit crazy:

1. I am too busy. Work, work, blah, blah…
2. I have no creativity in my system right now. I haven’t even picked up my camera.  What the hell would I write about?

She responded by telling me that she will make sure I get time in the evenings to write, and offering that we can even go sit at Starbucks together like we used to so I can write and she can grade.  Then, she gave me a great idea to write about.

What could I say?  At that point, I didn’t have the focus or the energy to stay upright on my barstool and attempt to discredit my wife.   

The more I really think about it, the more I think it might be good for me.  I’ve missed writing.  I used to write constantly.  If you asked me what my hobbies were when I was 23, I would have said writing, online dating, and writing about online dating. And maybe increasing my tolerance for alcohol.  Now, I would say knitting, photography, and reading.  All worthwhile pursuits, but how did I ditch all of my old hobbies? 

Well, ok, I ditched online dating because I met Catch, and I didn’t really ditch the alcohol bit until we decided to start doing that thing I’m not supposed to be thinking, talking or writing about, but STILL.  (Yeah—I know there were mai tais in this story already—it’s been a rough month and I made an exception.)

So, NaNoWriMo it is.  30 days and 50,000 words starting November 1^st.  I did it back in 2004 and 2005 and SO enjoyed myself.  Maybe it will help take the edge off of the thing that we’re not talking about right now. 

Out, but In

Today is National Coming Out Day, but I'm staying in.

I've been fighting some kind of bug all week, and it's finally caught up with me.  A sick day is in order.  

I hate sick days because I just sit at home feeling guilty for a) not being at work, or b) being home all day and not accomplishing anything. I'm not very good at doing nothing unless I've been given express permission to do so.

I really think this is just my body reacting to stress.  The past few weeks have been giant balls of stress, and I know something's gotta give.  

I know I won't be able to live with myself if I don't at least wash the dishes, but other than that, I am hoping to stay on the couch with this little cuddle bear…

…or in bed with this little bed hog...